"Serenity comes when we trade expectations for acceptance" -Buddha

 I'm going to start this week off with a picture from the end of the week so that you know that I came out the other side of this week doing a-ok!  But it was a hard week for me as I learn more about what it means to live and work in this place.  I spent a lot of time thinking about what was driving the way that I was feeling, and I honestly think that it all comes down to control, or lack thereof.  There are so many aspects of my day-to-day life that directly impact me, but are beyond my control.    And I appreciate that this is always true--there is truth in the saying that "control is an illusion".  So maybe it's not really a lack of control per se that has me feeling a little topsy-turvy but the lack of feeling like I can do anything that makes a difference in a variety of different situations.  Some examples from the week to illustrate:

I came home from work on Monday and almost slipped to my death on the water that had flooded my kitchen floor.  I do not have a frost-free fridge and it apparently had shut off and in doing so, all of the ice had melted and flooded the kitchen.  It took multiple unanswered calls and several hours before I finally got in touch with the landlady.  In the meantime, I had done some research and found out that it was possible that the ice build up caused an overheat and the fridge was actually still functional.  By morning, I had confirmed that this was the case, but the sides of the fridge are shockingly HOT.  I asked landlady to have someone come take a look because it is clearly not ok.  She gets back to me and says that the repair man said that as long as it is still cold inside, it's not broken.  So no one is coming to take a look.  Even though I strongly disagreed and insisted that something is wrong, no one is coming.  This fridge is clearly on its way out--now it is making a noise.  So it's going to break and then I'll be having to deal with the loss of food and $$ because no one will come look at it.  At home, I'd just call someone myself and get it addressed and deal it.  But here, I can't call anyone (I can't afford it) so I just have to wait until it breaks.

At school this week, the principal and I decided that I will be focused in grade 2.  I'm excited to be working closely with those teachers.  The idea is that while I'll be focused in grade 2, the other parts of my timetable (schedule) can be filled in by other teachers who want support from me.  I will do a mix of in-class assistance or pull-out groups for students who need more personalized support.  I got a taste of some of the challenges here this week.  During an in-class differentiated lesson, I was working with about 6 students, one of whom was non-verbal.  I've never worked with a non-verbal student before.  Also, the classroom was so loud that I could barely hear the students who were speaking.  And what I did hear was that most of them couldn't even read the words they were being asked to differentiate as common vs proper nouns.  It was one of those times where I felt like I achieved absolutely nothing as a teacher--which is never a great way to feel. We had a faculty meeting this week and all I will say is that I gained some insights into aspects of school culture (e.g. discipline, inclusivity) that left me shook. I also had a kindergarten class on my own for a lesson on Friday and it was just a disaster.  I could barely get them through the worksheets they were supposed to complete and they would not settle at all.  I know that their teacher uses the threat of corporal punishment to "control" them, but there is NO WAY that I am ever going to threaten to beat a child.  I also told myself that I was never going to yell at them.  And then on Friday I yelled at them.  I felt like the biggest a-hole and utter failure.  Anyone who has ever had to substitute teach will tell you that it is really hard to walk into a classroom where you haven't been part of establishing the classroom culture, particularly around management.  But I still felt ashamed that I couldn't manage them without yelling at them.  As I walked home on Friday all I could think about was how I wanted to/needed to be alone and process and decompress.  I had barely changed out of my work clothes when the neighbor was calling to visit.  It is not ok to pretend like you don't hear someone calling for you here (probably not at home either, LOL) but here it is also not ok to tell them "I've really had a bad day and I'm not up for visiting right now."  So I visited for the next 2.5hrs and tried to just be present and not think about the day that I had at school (I only somewhat succeeded).  

So that left me in a place thinking about how my expectations were getting in my way.  I think we all have expectations that we're more conscious of than others--this week I had to actually think about what expectations I had that were causing me trouble.  I expect to be able to care for my home when something is broken.  I expect to be able to hear the children I'm working with.  I expect to be able to have alone time when I need it.  I expect to be a teacher who can meet the needs of her students and not yell at them.  It's probably these last two that I have to work on accepting the most.  Culturally, I am not going to be able to have alone time when I want it like I did at home.  I also need to accept that teaching at this level is new to me and that there is a learning curve.  I also need to forgive myself for yelling at them and figure out what I'm going to do the next time, because I never want to feel like that again.  I'm also reminding myself that the one thing I always have control over is how I react to any situation.  

I ended my week by going to the beach with my PCV friend Alexis.  We just hung out in the water and it was good to hear that she was experiencing and feeling a lot of the same things.  I'm so isolated in my community, that sometimes I feel like this is only happening to me.  I feel really lucky that I am able to connect with other PCVs to get/give support.  

This was a long one this week, thanks for reading to the end!  Here are a couple photos from yesterday's beach visit!